'To Paradise' Personally Victimized Me

 

This book was a doozy, but in the best way.

I do not annotate books. Not in a judgmental sort of way. To be honest, in college I loved purchasing used textbooks in the hopes that others before me had annotated.

As an English and Creative Writing major, I thought it necessary to buy my books instead of renting, since most were on writing styles or actual anthologies of short stories. I saw myself using these books later in life when I became a published author, stocking the shelves of my office with past texts that I could pull for inspiration or examples while talking to a pupil there to learn from me. This is a very specific vision.

While none of that has really happened, I do revisit these books from time to time so I don't regret buying them. I didn't want the annotations for answers, I wanted them because I love used books. I crack the spines on all of my paperbacks, I listen to my hardcovers crunch as I lay them flat.

I love used books, but I do not annotate them myself. I just never see the point. I see the point when a lot of others do it (although, I'll admit, not all... sometimes I see people post pictures of their annotations and I find myself thinking, really? you needed to write that in the book? but for the most part I find it admirable and interesting), I just never have the urge myself.

Until now.

This did not have a lasting effect on me. It is one paragraph, about three lines worth, that I found so moving but also so true that I was scrambling for a sticky note and a pen.

I did not add any thoughts of my own, because they are not needed; the lines speak for themselves, and I think they always will.

Hanya Yanagihara, you have dug deep into my heart and brain and found the root of my own fear, a root which I did not even realize there was.

Isn't everyone afraid of dying? Maybe, maybe not. I kind of figured everyone was. I'm afraid of losing those I love, because I've felt that pain and do not want to feel it again. I've felt the pain of losing someone quickly and unexpectedly, losing someone slowly over time, losing someone and not finding out until later... It all hurts the same in the end. Those people scoop something from your gut and chest as they go.

The pain that lingers is worse, because it catches you when your guard is down and you're left defenseless.

The pain that awaits you is the worst of all. When you have your puppy sleeping next to you and you're trying to fall asleep at night, and your brain decides to cycle through a series of unlikely events that would lead to the pup's death and the feeling that you aren't ready to let them go. And you look at them sleeping and your eyes well up and you think, no time will ever be enough with you. You aren't ready to let them go, and you don't need to be because that time is not now, but you still feel the pain of it long before it happens.

But the most confusing part about the fear of death is your own. Because in order to feel and experience everything I just mentioned, you have to be the one left alive.

So why would I be afraid of my own death? Now, the way Hanya Yanagihara has articulated it so beautifully and with so much truth:

I'm not scared because I'm worried it's going to hurt [...] I'm scared because I know my last thoughts are going to be about how much time I wasted—how much life I wasted. I'm scared because I'm going to die not being proud of how I lived.

And isn't that so true? I mean, it is for me. The reality of this left me scrambling, literally and figuratively.

In the end, I do not fear death. I fear my own existence.

As I mentioned, this book was a doozy but it was worth it. I'm still trying to unpack it, and I actually finished it over a week ago and have moved on to other books since then. This isn't normally a book I would pick up, but neither was A Little Life and I frequently list it as a favorite of mine.

It's safe to say over the span of two books, Hanya Yanagihara has made it onto my (short) list of favorite authors.

If you're still with me, I appreciate you and would love to know your thoughts on the following:

• To Paradise
• A Little Life
• Has a book unexpectedly become a favorite for you?
• Has an author unexpectedly become a favorite for you?
• Has a book and/or author let you down when you've had high hopes going in? (For me, yes, and I will likely write about that soon)
• Anything else... the comment section is your pen and I am the willing diary in which you jot your thoughts, except I have the ability to respond

XO